Which defense mechanisms do you use when communicating with other people?
Learn how to upgrade your communication skills by becoming more assertive and mature.
Start by taking responsibility for your own behavior.
Read more about various defense mechanisms at
Holding on to any “unwanted” feelings, such as anger, fear, guilt, or shame, will only lead to unwanted consequences, such as depression. I know this from a personal experience. It is so important to acknowledge and to ALLOW all your feelings, and express them in a healthy way. If you are angry, find a healthy way to express and to get rid of your anger. It does not mean that you should go and hit someone. That is not healthy. A healthy expression of anger would be to a) acknowledge that you are angry b) knowing the real reason behind your anger c) speaking up about your anger, or, if it is not possible, writing about it, even for yourself d) finding (alternative) ways of expressing your anger, such as sports, working for a good cause, politics, creative arts or writing, yoga/meditation etc.
If you have at least ONE trusted person who you can speak up about your negative emotions/feelings, it will help you heal.
Or? How do you deal with your negative emotions?
Feel free to comment. Although this video talks about women´s (often hidden) anger, many men keep emotions and feelings inside themselves too. Keeping these to yourself, without any healthy form of expression, will only harm you and your health, creating blockages from living and enjoying your life to the fullest.
Connect with me on Twitter @annemariayritys – to receive my newsletter delivered personally to you, subscribe to Leading With Passion
Connect with me on Twitter @annemariayritys and press the subscribe-button to receive my newsletter delivered personally to you.
A moment of self-compassion can change your entire day. A string of such moments can change the course of your life (Christopher K. Germer)
Soft leadership skills are more required than ever. In a world full of ambition, achievement, harshness, competition, hard management, leaders who possess, and have the capability of leading change with the combination of both humanity, purpose, meaning, are those who actually know how to make a positive difference in people´s lives, rather than focusing upon quick returns on investment, and material gains for a selected few individuals.
All leaders want to make a positive difference in their environments, societies, and in the world. The problem is that many leaders, on their path of pursuing greatness and in making a difference, do forget and neglect the facts that actually, all leadership is about serving people, societies, and the world as a whole rather than seeking to make quick profits at the cost of the majority of humanity.
When comparing leaders with passion, and leaders with both passion & compassion, the major difference between these two leadership styles is the fact that leaders with compassion actually aim and strive towards making a real difference in all people´s lives, serving individuals and mankind regardless of their socioeconomic status. Leaders with passion (and, a lack of compassion) on the other hand, are driven and have real passion for their mission and purpose. Nevertheless, leading with passion without compassion is no guarantee for the capability of making a real difference in people´s lives. Hence, passionate leadership should always have the capacity of integrating compassion into leadership activities. With passion, but without compassion, a leader may easily get distracted and start following the wrong path of leadership. Leading with passion, and leading with compassion, do not exclude one another. A passionate leader can always develop, and increase, their amount of compassion and a compassionate leader can, and is most probably rather passionate about his/her purpose, mission, values, and vision.
Passion and compassion are both leadership qualities that cannot be bought with money. If a leader has no passion for the work he/she does, or no compassion for the people he/she leads (and serves), no amount of money can substitute the shortage of these. Before dying, american psychologist Abraham Maslow in fact did admit that he should have turned his hierarchy of needs upside down, suggesting that in fact, the core need of any human being is having a need for fulfillment in life, i.e. making it more important for the modern man to focus upon self-actualization rather than upon other needs. Whether this is true or not can be long debated, or researched within different kinds of societies.
Avalokiteshwara Performance – Buddha of Compassion
If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together (African Proverb)
ALL leaders want to focus upon POSITIVITY, including positive affirmations and positive behavior in both our personal lives and careers, but also in our day-to-day interactions with people and circumstances that DO affect the behavior(s) of those around us. We do know that positivity creates more positivity, and that negative behavior and thinking is poison not only for our bodies, but also for our souls. Despite the fact that we should ALWAYS focus upon positive, meaningful communication, leaders in all possible areas of life and in every industry do need to recognize the negative patterns both in their personal leadership style, but also the possible negative aspects and characteristics in people around them (you).
As a leader, you learn far more from negative leadership than from positive leadership. You learn how not to do it. Instead, you learn HOW TO DO IT. (Norman Schwarzkopf)
On your personal (and professional) leadership path, you will face all kinds of behavior. Most importantly, you have to learn how to balance your personal behavior, stay calm and objective no matter how demanding the situation is. Balance is key to everything, including the capability of stepping above the problem(s), and remembering that we all in fact, deep within ourselves, are humane, no matter how thick-skinned and hard on the surface. As a successful leader, please remember to retain your integrity and use soft communication and negotiation skills when in complex, demanding leadership situations, and while “penetrating” under the skin of your counterpart, i.e. the individual you are facing. Great leaders always respect ALL people, regardless of the situation, and regardless of the background and actions that another individual has taken previously. Great leaders always seek to listen, and to understand the deeper meaning behind the behavior of individuals/groups.
Being positive in a negative situation is not naïve. It is called leadership. (Ralph Marston)
Any emotionally intelligent, self-confident leader, should avoid a number of behavioral patterns, including:
1. Successful leaders avoid taking themselves too seriously, or thinking their leadership is irreplaceable.
Leadership, and a leadership position, should always be taken seriously – do not misunderstand the message being conveyed here. Nevertheless, serious leaders do lead because it is their calling, and because it makes fun and challenges them to be a positive role model, and a source of inspiration for others. As soon as a leader thinks of themselves as something superior to the people they lead, it is time to have a long look in the mirror and to question the purpose of their leadership. This is also true if a leader feels that he/she is irreplaceable, i.e. does not understand the fact that every individual with certain characteristics can be developed into a great leader.
2. Successful leaders avoid judging people around them and being full of prejudice
All great leaders have learned that prejudice and judging behavior only leads to misunderstandings and increasingly poor communication, and behavior. No matter how difficult the circumstances, great leaders always seek to remain objective and humane. In addition, they do have the capability of putting things into perspective, and seeing everything from the other person’s point of view.
3. Successful leaders refrain from gossiping, neglecting people around them and from any other improper communication.
As a leader, no one of us can afford either to gossip, or neglect the people around us. If we do, it is time for some serious self-reflection. Especially if you are running your own company, and leading people – but of course, in any organization or business. Successful leaders always make sure to have integrity and CARE about their employees/people in the organization.
4. Successful leaders never ask their people/employees to do things they would not be capable of handling themselves.
Leaders should always be capable of demonstrating in practice their demands upon their employees/people, and capable of serving as an example and a role model. Leaders should always walk the talk, and seek to understand the circumstance and field of business/industry they operate in/lead, before placing any excessive demands upon the shoulders of their people. Leaders MUST seek the truth, and also remain reasonable in their demands – based upon experience, knowledge, understanding, and wisdom.
5. Successful Leaders Should Avoid Behavioral Patterns that do Harm either themselves, or People Around them.
There are countless negative behaviors and patterns that leaders have the risk of falling into. Make sure not to fall into these leadership traps personally. These traps include:
– Lack of experience => not necessarily always a problem since a humble leader who is willing to learn from his/her employees/people is open to development in all circumstances.
– Lack of dedication and interest => If you have a lack of these in your daily leadership activities, please ask yourself why this is the case, and try to analyze the reasons behind your behavior and feelings. We all face challenges and difficulties in both professional and private life, and lack of motivation is something that every leader should take seriously. If a leader lacks motivation, and is uninspired, it will most definitely affect the whole team, and the complete organization.
Never underestimate the valuable and important difference you make in every life you touch, for the impact you make today has a powerful rippling effect on every tomorrow
Year 2015 is soon over. When you look back at this year, what do you see? What has taken place in your career, in your personal life, in the world around you? Have you achieved the things you wanted to achieve?
If you have, congratulations upon your achievements. If not, why not? What have you failed to achieve? And, most importantly, why do you think you have failed to achieve your true ambitions and goals? What kinds of obstacles did have you faced this year? How did these obstacles and barriers affect your way of thinking, and your way of achieving your true desires, and making you fulfill your dreams? Did you even stop for a moment to reflect upon what you actually truly want to achieve, or did you stay within your comfort zone, postponing your actual desires?
If you have, NOW is the time to take action! NOW is the time to finally plan for year 2016, if you already haven´t. No matter if for the sake of your personal growth as a leader, for the sake of your (small) business, or for the sake of the organization(s) you serve. DREAM BIG, BUT ALSO: BE PREPARED TO WORK FOR YOUR PERSONAL GOALS. No one else is going to do it for you, only YOU personally are responsible for the actions you take. And, no one will ask you, or push you, especially if the goals are for you specifically, or for your small business. You will have to take the responsibility, make the planning, and stick to the goals you set yourself, and the actions you aim to take, and the results you aim to see either within yourself or within your business in the upcoming year(s).
There are no specific rules for making a difference. YOU make the rules. YOU personally have the responsibility for making the rules, for making the planning, and for actually taking the necessary steps in order to make a difference in 2016! Keep this in mind while planning for your future, both on a personal, and on a professional level. And, no matter how difficult it may seem, make sure to plan ahead for at least five years. It is easier said than done, especially in these turbulent times of constant insecurity and change, but nevertheless, make sure to make a five-year-plan both on personal and on professional levels, including:
Where do you/your business want to be in five years from now?
That is in 2020. Planning your personal, and your professional lives, five years ahead is no easy task. Actual planning for years ahead requires courage, and the ability to take a risk of failing in your actual planning. NEVER MIND. Plan despite of the challenges of planning in the 21st century. Most leaders, small businesses, entrepreneurs and startups actually do fail due to the fact that they are incapable of planning for the upcoming years. BE DIFFERENT! BE BOLD! Take the risk, and make sure to plan for five years, or at least, for three years in advance. REMEMBER – YOU CAN ALWAYS ADJUST YOUR PLANS ALONG THE JOURNEY! Be like a sailor who knows how to adjust his/her sails during the journey – but also a sailor who has planned his/her journey in advance. If you want to cross the Pacific Sea, you must be capable of planning your journey, but also be prepared to meet unexpected challenges and storms during your trip.
How do your business/personal activities improve society around you?
We all want to make a positive difference in society, and in the world. At least this is how the majority works, and aims to lead their lives! Every individual, and leader with awareness and a pure, conscious mind, wants to give back to communities, and to society. It is our duty as human beings, and especially the duty of those who are doing (extraordinarily) well in their careers/personal lives. Make sure to plan ahead for humanitarian activities in your personal/business life – this is something every responsible (business) person, and leader does, and includes in their long-term planning. The purpose of your being here, and the purpose of all your activities, is not only to please your ego, but in fact to develop your higher self, your higher consciousness, take positive actions, and serve as an example to everyone around you. Your personal leadership does not require being a member of any specific organization, representing any specific business, or any specific religion – it is sufficient that you aim to make a POSITIVE difference by being yourself, making yourself and people around you happy, and at ease. Our world knows enough problems. Be a leader who knows how to reduce these problems instead of increasing them.
Take Yourself, Your Goals and Desires, and Your Plans Seriously!
If you TRULY, AND HUMBLY want to make a difference in our world, you MUST believe in yourself, in your dreams, and in your goals. You do not have to move mountains at once, but you have to be willing and ready to make even the smallest of differences in your every day life, and in your every day business. Every act matters, and small improvements when accumulated lead to huge differences in the world! Remember this, especially when you at times question yourself, your actions, and your plans, and whether they really do make a difference. THEY DO. AND, YOU DO. AS LONG AS YOU ACTUALLY DO STICK TO THE GOALS YOU HAVE SET YOURSELF.
And, remember, no one will be there to push you but yourself, unless you hire someone to actually PUSH YOU & PUSH YOUR GOALS FURTHER IN LIFE, BOTH ON PERSONAL AND ON PROFESSIONAL LEVELS.
I BEElieve in you (Tanya Radic)
…Please promise to believe in yourself too!
MOTIVATION, a simple word yet so profound, in all aspects of life. Why? The question may sound somewhat simple, but can motivation be regarded simple taking into consideration how much effort, time, and value is being invested into analyzing, researching, living, educating, coaching, teaching, and mastering motivation?
Perhaps only one thing exceeds the importance of motivation, and that is GOAL, but working towards, and reaching a goal, requires for us to be motivated. Motivation is the foundation for all action, and motivation together with action will lead us towards reaching a goal.
MOTIVATION + ACTIONS + GOAL = ACCOMPLISHMENT
The perhaps best-known, and most cited researcher in the field of motivational theory is Abraham Maslow, an American psychologist and professor who believed in focusing on the positive qualities in people, and who studied self-actualization together with human potential. Maslow´s hierarchy of human needs as a valid framework remains widely used among a wide variety of practitioners within sociology, management/leadership development, psychology, coaching, education, and training.
Maslow´s hierarchy of needs aligned with aspiration management is based upon the thought that when the basic (physiological, safety and security) of a human being are fulfilled, the individual has the capability, and energy, to focus upon fulfilling his/her social needs including love/belonging, esteem, and at the top of the pyramid, self-actualization. Hence, once the basic needs together with the following social needs have been fulfilled, an individual can focus upon accomplishment.
Assumed that an individual (YOU?) leads a life where his/her basic and social needs are fulfilled, he/she is ready to aim for self-actualization and accomplishment. This, in turn, requires the ability of setting a goal/several goals, and finding the motivation that enables actions in reaching the goal/s. Actions in plural because reaching a goal usually takes more than one action, of course depending upon the size of the goal. The higher/more complex the goal, the more actions will it demand.
MOTIVATION + ACTIONS = GOAL
Motivation, further on, can be divided into intrinsic and extrinsic. Intrinsic motivation starts from within an individual, while extrinsic motivation usually comes from outside the individual. The question is, whether all intrinsic motivation is based upon external factors? Nevertheless, there are many ways of getting motivated:
- Clarify your goal
- Reflect upon the purpose of your goal
- Divide your goal into smaller steps/partial goals (the higher/more demanding the goal, the more important it is to divide it into a number of smaller goals)
- Consciously raise your performance pressure
- Visualize reaching your goal on a regular basis
- Use motivation as a tool of self-suggestion (positive affirmations/mantras)
- Rationalize your schedule
- Define a daily/weekly/monthly/yearly schedule
- Commit to your goal(s) on a social level
- Set up a reward (and punishment) system for yourself
- Make enough time and space (enable conditions) for reaching your goal(s)
- Remove obstacles and conflicts that may stand in the way for your motivation
- Consciously change your attitude
- Use inspirational mental models/find role models/mentors
(List Source: Kauppila 2003. Opi ja opeta tehokkaasti. Psyykkinen valmennus oppimisen tukena = translation: Teach and Learn Efficiently. Psychological Coaching as a Support in Learning).
In following video, “The psychology of self-motivation”, Scott Geller speaks about self-motivation and how to free yourself from restrictions, enabling you to set your personal goals, and receive support from people around you. Enjoy watching and listening to a perspective about intrinsic (self-) motivation.
The bee is more honored than other animals, not because she labors, but because she labors for others (St. John Chrysostom)
If the bee disappears from the surface of the Earth, man would have no more than four years to live (Albert Einstein)
Thank you for reading, commenting, and learning. Most of all, thank you for valuing and respecting all life upon Earth, and making it your priority to become motivated, take actions, reach goals, and accomplish things that are of value, and that help other humans, nature, and all life (including animals) enabling us to continue thriving on Planet Earth.